And Then There Was ME

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Location: Chennai, Tamil Nadu, India

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

New Beginnings!

One week. And what a week. When someone speaks of a life changing moment, you would assume that it would come with a symphonic orchestra along with it and announce its presence with all possible cacophony associated with something as momentous as this. You know its coming and you know that its going to create an impact. And you brace yourself for it. Be prepared for it and tackle it head on.

That's how its supposed to be and that is how we have come to expect it. Has happened in the past and you expect it to maintain itself. Guess this is not how it works. Sometime it just happens. A word here, a sentence there, a thought expressed and bingo. Your life is changed. Changed in a irrevocable way that makes all that exists redundant and instead throws you into the turmoil and churn when you least expect it.

Life as I know it, is over. Life as I want it, has just about started to find itself.

That is how momentous a week it has been. What started as just another Saturday, and what promised to be just another week, has instead become The Week. A week where self discovery was matched word for word with discovering that what one can think, so can two. A week of half completed sentences because suddenly it was being completed instantly and almost as if by magic, of half baked thoughts, cause i was not the only one thinking them up. It was as if the universe was in sync with all my thoughts and words and dreams and reality.

But then the test of the pudding has always being in the eating. And sometimes the universe might be in sync, but the planets can he so horribly misaligned. And the only way to figure that out was a trip into reality. But guess what, like those one in a million year alignment, everything was in perfect symmetry. All planets lined up in one straight line along with the Sun. Now for some doomsday theorist, can mean the end of life as we know it. But for it was a beginning. A reason to find sanity in an insane world. And the ability to start knowing that life doesn't just throw a miracle at you like a curve ball. But actually life is a miracle waiting to be discovered.

The past is now just that. The walls lie in a heap, crumbled and shattered and when you look over it, life looks like a green meadow with all flowers of all possible colours and with the sun just about starting to show itself over the horizon.

A Brand New Day!

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Idea of being Me

How often do we really sit down and think what we are all about? I have spent so many days and nights thinking about everybody else in this entire universe other than me. Who am I? And what am I all about? Existential questions that I guess have to be answered at some point in our lives. Everything I do or have done stems from what I want and how I want it. But then does it all add up? Does my wants and need define who I am? Or is there more to it?

Most of the time I spend my time making stereotypes of people around us. Some of these are so ingrained in me that I dont even stop to think before stamping a person to be that type. But then doesn't this also apply to others as well? What stereotype would people be casting me into? Would be based on my lifestyle? That would make me that "commitment-phobia" chap or that "wasting-his-life-after- all-the-wrong-things" chap. Would I be termed as a social misfit cause as someone once told me, "you just dont let people get close nor can you trust anyone", or as someone more succinctly put it, "you just dont know how to respect a relationship" et al. Are these the traits that define me? Do I actually live up to each of the above? Or is there more to me, about me, that is different from what the world perceives or claims to know about me?

Who defines who I am? The whole wide world? That doesnt know what my favorite writer is? and dont go by all the drivel I write on facebook and other so called social networks. If i wanted to bare my heart out, that would be the last place I would do it on.. LOL .

Anyway, if its not the world, then is it the people who know me? By name i assume, because thats all they know. Or by the brief social interactions I have had with them. You cant help but be social with your colleagues and other sundry people you need to interact with I guess. But they only know a small part of who I am. The part that they see in an environment not entirely conducive to being open about everything.. and let the beast in you come out.. I mean, how funny it would be to go and tell that irritating colleague to go to hell.. when you know that would have to go back to that person to get your travel bills passed. Get the flow. We all are at our civilised best and that is definitely not conducive for someone to actually know anyone.

That leaves just 2 more sets of people, your best(est) friends and your immediate family. Well what can i say. My best friends have known me since I was a little imp running around with barely anything on. And yes, they would know me for who I am. But for the fact that we have not been together for more than 5 days a year, when we all do meet up. Can you imagine how much one changes in a year? One year, and you can be an entirely different person from what you were last year. And no matter how much you talk on the phone, or write emails or religiously follow each other on fb, and twitter etc etc, you still wont know the subtle changes that make a person an entirely different being. And family? Well... they are supposed to be the closest amongst all relationships. But then again I have always being what would make my mom and dad happy! Played the part rather. Why break a heart when all it takes is a bit of acting the 20 days a year you spend with them? Be what they want you to be and they are happy cause they did raise you to be what you portray you are. And that is their accomplishment in life. Right?

So everything said and done. Who else is left? I know i did leave out the spouse / partner/ better half section. But then my experience has been that we do make the biggest compromises / adjustments with them. And absolutely give up who we are and become who we should be.

And that leaves just ME. And does ME know ME? That my friend is a questions that started it all. And what scares me the most is that the last week or so that I have spend contemplating who I am, they have thrown up more questions than answers. And that scares the @#!% out of me. Everything I have done till now stems from the fact that I knew that was what I wanted. And suddenly you do think that that was not what you wanted....

Guess, a journey in self discovery is what I need to find ME. Am starting now. And as the saying goes, "better late, than never". So till I do find myself, my search will go on!!!


Thursday, April 09, 2009

PUG!

That's what I have suddenly found myself to be nicknamed as! And disgusting as it sounds, you would have noticed that its not a word, rather an acronym. But the fact that I am like the expanded version of the acronym is something that is worth a thought or two. 

I have always been impulsive and headstrong and a little too selfish. A typical Ariean if you believe in that crap. But the fact remains that I have always followed my heart (which would make some people snigger, cause they think that I don't have one)! Rather than think and think and by the time you decide what you want, its already gone! But then being spontaneous (a more nicer word rather than impulsive), has its ups and downs I guess. Sometimes in the short run when you have done something or said something, you feel bad and imagine that you should have thought a bit more or being more politically correct about what you decide or just made sense. But in the long run, I guess I have never had an opportunity where I would look back and regret what I have done.. Yeah Yeah! I might be contradicting my earlier post! But then, its the long run that I am talking about.. 

I have always taken decisions on the go! If i think that there is something that I have to do, I have done it. And it has always in the long run turned out to be the best possible decision for me! So maybe I am Lucky! Maybe its been a fluke and maybe there is a BIG one waiting round the corner! SO WHAT! At the end of it all, I have survived! And maybe I will survive! Spontaneously! 

BTW, PUG Stands for Predictably Unpredictable Guy! And this was coined by my friend and colleague NM! Cheers! 

and there she was..

Funny how sometimes the way your life spans out seems so as you want it and suddenly it all goes for a toss. You think you have got it all and that there is nothing that you want to change and wham! It hits you right in the middle. And all you can do is wish for an 'If Only'. That i guess is what makes life so very exciting. The endless possibilities and the more than even chance of you running into a brick wall at full speed. One moment you are cruising and the next you are plastered into the nearest wall. 

Sometimes what we really want is not exactly the same as what we need. I might want the latest Porsche and what i really need is the Tata Nano. The need is the same. Of movement from point A to B. But the fact that each of them lets you make the same journey in so different a style is what the need vrs want debate is about. Do I just need to GO from A to B or do i want to do it in STYLE? Wonder where I want to go and what i need to get me there! LOL. 

But going back to my premise that life is full of surprises, I met this amazing person a couple of days back. She was good. In a way I haven't seen in a woman in a long time. Talented, good to talk to and someone who can keep you interested for hours on end and not let you look at the watch! While I was with this particular person, for the first time in a long time I felt sad that I am what I am. The feeling that you should have been someone different? Cause then you could have had an option to chase in life? Well this one was! And now that I know that I can feel a little different about what i thought was "The Perfect Life", I am a little scared. Is this all? Or do I have more of them coming. I just hope that somewhere I change before I absolutely start hating the life I have!

PS: Promise to self. No More BOOZE post the Bday! Turn Teetotaller! 

Monday, April 06, 2009

... and finally death!

Its been a year since i wrote anything.. and so much has changed. This last one year I have been living with someone who was terminally ill. I have been living with something that was alive and had a life, feelings and emotions but you also know that what exists will not in the future. The pain and the agony of living in this state is something that one has to experience to understand. You have no idea how you want to spend these last days. Cause each day that you hope for might be the last that there is. You don't know whether you are to live for the day that you have or fight for the days you wont have. You get up excited each day thinking you have one more day and you go to sleep in the night dreading is this will be the last day. 

I guess somewhere in between I as an individual also died. The joy that could have been becomes a daily fight for a moment. A second and that one last breath. You want time to stop. So you can continue holding on to that moment for an eternity. Guess losing something that you love the most is the most difficult thing in the world. We are soo in fear of what we will lose that we stop enjoying what we have. The struggle to balance both is something that no man is made for. At least not me. But then you cant let go can you? You just hold on to it. Every time you think all you can think of is the lovely times you have had. The wonderful moment together that made you think that this was for eternity. I lived in the past all the time and forgot to live in the present. And that's where i guess when the time came, I also died. Much before the death of the one you want to save. 

And finally death happened. And it was not as painful as I had been dreading it to be. The fact that I have been anticipating it every day and night for the past one year had something to do with the acute lack of any feeling. Or the fact that I was so numb by the end of it that it really didn't matter. Maybe in a way I was happy. Cause now i know that i wont have to spend each waking and sleeping moment of my life thinking about it. I wont spend each breath thinking it might be the last! And the funny thing is that it happened when I least expected it. When i had started thinking that I have a few more moments. When i had started making plans to actually enjoy the moment a bit more. But it happened. Suddenly and swiftly. It came out of the dark, like an arrow shot by an unseen enemy from behind in the middle of the night. One moment its all calm. And the next, you are dead. 

And so died the only relationship that I ever wanted to last forever. It died one fine afternoon in the month of April. And in dying, it made me free to be reborn. It made me free! Free to continue with life and hope again. To start. A Fresh Start!

And i just hope that i make better use of what I have now then from what i did the last time around. 

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Importance of Being!

It has been a very strange week.. The Sunday, at the start of this week has been one of the best in a very long time. And its not been because I have been doing all those things that we do to make us happy in life. No parties and no booze and no gang of friends having fun with each other. There was no great outing or the other outdoor activities that generally make that perfect weekend. The Sunday was special, because I was with that special one.

How can one person make such an huge impact on your life? All the weekends that I have been with friends or out having fun actually does not even come close to the kind of feeling this Sunday got with it. Its such a nice feeling to feel love and be loved and to finally realise what true companionship is all about! All the time people talk about what it is to find that someone special in your life and why people actually get married makes so much sense! To know that you are not alone is one of those feelings that no matter how well you are with words, you will still find it hard to describe. Guess its one of those feelings that need to be experienced to understand. Something like love.

But then so many people have tried to describe love. There are millions of words used to describe that master of all feelings. But is love everything? You can all be in love, but still not experience the feeling of togetherness that I felt. I have been in love. Lots of times. But then I never felt like what I felt this Sunday. It was so complete an experience that am afraid to actually think back and try and re visualise what it was like. Want it to be like a perfect dream. Just that I know I lived it.

Going back to that feeling-that-must-not-be-described, I have truly figured out the real reason why you need that ONE person in your life. To finally know that there is a ONE for you is something that most people live their entire life and not realise. To actually find that ONE is a miracle. And that I have the ONE in my life is beyond miracles. Its what called an impossible bet! But then I have managed to do just that. And I can actually rightly call myself one of the luckiest people in this world. Touchwood. This is what makes life so special. and this is why I want to live this life. because I know that life can get only more beautiful from here. And when you have found something as precious as this, all you can do is to hold on to it. AND NOT LET IT GO! Which I know I wont. I mean people might call be stupid and impulsive and someone who cannot be trusted and all. But I know, that I am not that stupid or impulsive and trust me when I say this, for the first time I guess, I can really trust myself with my feelings. And if I trust myself, I guess I would be able to make others trust me as well.

Monday, May 05, 2008

The Long Weekend

Finally managed to have a decent time to myself after a long time. Had a holiday this thursday and the opportunist in me also managed to take the friday off as well. And managed to have a whole 4 days all to myself. But then as luck would have it, I also managed to fall sick on wednesday evening and this continued till the end of friday. 2 days gone. But then a miracle. Managed to salvage the remaining days, by having a blast on Saturday. Check out the pics to know what all I did!!!

 

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Monday, April 21, 2008

The Journey Called Life

Something that I wrote a long time back in a place far far away! I was a little more optimistic about life and what it has in store for you. This was a reply to a friends query about how to decide on a certain person as being the ideal partner or not! And no they did not get together!!

I have this strange analogy of life and a train journey. Then it made a lot of sense. Maybe in a way it still does.. anyway.. here goes!

We all have our ride and we have the ability to decide whether we want to get on the ride or not..and like life the train has a number of station where you can decide whether you want to get off or not.. in any relationship.. we have the choice of the destination and the kind of the train we want... i can be a speed freak and decide that i want a bullet train that travel like lightening.. or i can also take a mail or a passenger and reach there slow and steady.... again its a function of what we really want..

And once we get on the train... we have lots of stations between point a (the start) and b (the destination).. and if we are not comfortable with what we have got ourselves into, we can always get down and catch the next train on the same journey......

but... how many of us actually do it.. we choose the train based on what we want.. and if i dont get a ticket on the bullet train, i take the passenger... life's like that.. although i want to travel on the bullet train.. i might not get the ticket on it.. and no i am not compromising on what i want........

for me the basic purpose in life is to complete the journey. how i go about doing it.. how many trains i change and whether i like tha train i have got on is immaterial.. what is important is that i completed my journey.... In the same way.. sometimes what we really need in life is not the fact that i have a rush of blood in my head and complete the journey before i could blink.. or i can take a slow train, have a nice novel and enjoy the scenery as it passes by.....

Something the people we meet don't make us feel the way we expect! We don't feel the blood rushing in our veins when you talk to them and meet the...but then wouldn't it be better if we spend 30 years with a person who you can talk with.. rather than 10 years with a person who's great in bed and is capable of given you multiple orgasms 5 times a night..... am not saying that not possible with the talking bit.. but then trust me.. when you think of all the M&B stuff about the cymbals in your ears and trumpets in your hearts... thats all fantasy.... at the end of the day if you cant communicate with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.. you are finished...

and more importantly.. the way i think of it..... if you imagine yourself.. (and this is something i have always thought of very seriously).... at the age of 55 or 60.. when you children are gone and you are just with your spouse and maybe your sex life is also history.. its communication that the only thing thats goign to keep you going.. if you cannot talk... what will you do.... for me thats very very scary.....

whatever i have written is something that i have always thought was important for me.. romance and a chemical and physical reactions are important.... but then being as ease with each other is paramount and all said and done.. you have to decide why is it not making you happy. is it because of something very specific? is it because of something that is troubling you? if yes.. this is the best time to talk about it... and this is also the time when you build your confidence level with each other.. soooo talk it out.. and if at the end of it.. you think that its not what you want out of life.. then don't.... cause that would be like actually living in your sins.. of not getting out of something when you had the time...

so decide for yourself what you want.. and think if that is going to make you happy.. and i mean really really happy.. if you can make some adjustments in your expectations and would not live to regret it.. then follow your heart....

cause it always knows best.....

keep the faith